Thursday, June 21, 2007

my essay...finally

There are so many wretched things wrong with this world. Too much hate that causes wars and too much destruction that ruins this beautiful earth we live on. A few weeks ago I had a moment when I felt like there was no end to the problems of South Africa, of America, or all the corners of the world for that matter. I didn’t know what I was doing, how I was really making a difference to anything, anyone. A couple of days later I decided to sit down and try and tackle this essay except that I could not figure out what I believed in. I had no idea what had motivated me and lead me to this place. While I was sitting at my computer I could hear Matome and Masilu, my little brothers here in the village (5 & 6 years old) laughing in their high pitch voices and I decided to take a break and just play with them. I brought out the side walk chalk and we drew all kinds of things like islands and then pretended to be fish in the sea. We drew cars and then eventually the chalk ended up on our faces as well as most other surfaces of our bodies. We laughed and were silly together.

Then it just made sense. I am not driven by some overarching philosophy that has steered me down this path in life, something much simpler and innocent has brought me here. I realized I believe in the simple idea of living life as a child does, without inhibitions or regrets and just a desire to soak it all in. I am determined to keep the curiosity of a child, and relish the fact that now my playground is the entire world not just my own backyard. Children laugh without self-consciousness, they smile with their whole body and their imaginations are wildly inspiring. Their love of life is contagious and somehow makes all the worries of the day melt away.

I want to be young forever. I have no desire to grow old. I want to be able to play tag, turn cartwheels and not ever be afraid to sit on the ground and get a little bit dirty. Growing up and adding years to my knowledge is important and a beautiful part of the journey but I never want to lose the little girl inside me who just loves to play and laugh and not let the burdens of the world weigh her down. I want to always share the wide-eyed awe of a child when they first discover something in the grass or how to fit a puzzle piece together. I never want to lose that wonder or sense of excitement about life, about what is lying just around the corner, just out of my foresight.


So I take my cues from children. No matter what part of the world they are from, they understand how to play and enjoy each day. They are curious and eager to learn, laugh at silly things and bounce back from bumps and bruises. They have a resilience that I hope to keep with me for as long as I live.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

I have no idea what I believe in...

I want to write an essay about what I believe in and state my conviction for life in 500 words or less. My Peace Corps group is doing this as our own version of the 1950’s radio series started by Edward R. Murrow. One of my PCV colleagues came up with the idea to adapt the concept and create our own essay collection. We are all invited to write an essay and in the process go through the self examination it requires to actually figure out the core belief that has guided us through life up until now. That is a LOADED sentence right there – I am finding it difficult to put my finger on something solid, concrete enough to write a meaningful essay. Sure I could ramble on with the best of them but what do I actually believe? What drives me to be who I am or strive to be who I want to be? My parent’s unconditional love? My desire to give back to the world some how? I’m not sure that’s what I want to write about, it’s bigger than that yet not and certainly not religious or spiritual.

The essay is due June 15. Maybe I believe in procrastinating. I always save things for the last minute and end up with something resembling orderliness and cohesion.

I believe in love…too generic

I believe in puzzles.

I believe in creative outlets.

I believe that life as a gigantic puzzle and the only way to solve it is through creative outlets.

I believe that I am not always a good communicator but that I am trying every day to be better at it.

I believe crossword puzzles and sudoku will help my brain stay in shape for longer.

I believe that these ideas are not coming anywhere close to hitting the mark.

core belief…something that has guided me through life this far…maybe that’s my problem – I have no idea what has guided me, it’s been more like I’ve stumbled and tripped to end up where I am. Opportunities have snuck around corners and stuck out their foot or knocked me upside the head until I had that “aha” moment and decided that pursuing it was a great idea. I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up or if I really even want to grow up. There was no guiding light like I always wanted to be a doctor or a lawyer, which then led me to pursue certain academic paths molding me into the traditional American dream. I only recently realized how much I actually love learning and wish I had paid more attention in my history and science classes and actually read the books on the summer reading lists.

Wait a minute, there is something forming in my head…

Saturday, June 9, 2007

what happened to May?

The entire month of May passed me by without even a courteous good bye. It’s now June but I keep dating things as May – it’s as if the month happened for everyone else but I was held in some alternate space-time holding tank. All I keep thinking is holy shit – it’s already June!

Friday, June 8, 2007

who doesn't want a guilt-free lazy day?

I’m supposed to be doing something productive right now. I made an executive decision to take a sick day and not go to any centre or venture out of my house but to stay home and work on my computer. There is plenty that I could be working on but I just plain don’t want to do it. This is one thing that I am disappointed about my Peace Corps experience – there is so much pressure to get things done. One of those expectations, the ones they (all those other return volunteers or people that work for PC) tell you not to have, was that I would have a million hours to do whatever and get things done on my own time. My experience is not anything like that. Don’t get me wrong, I love my experience but I think I was looking for something that would let me be lazy and read for hours on end and not feel guilty about doing it. That does happen a lot – like at night I have tons of time to myself and read lots but some days I just don’t want to go anywhere.

I am going to place part of my laziness on the cold I have. My head has been cloudy all week and my energy has suffered. I was good and went to centres every day and rode my bike around and generally have felt like it’s been a productive week. Today, however, I just don’t feel like being productive. God help me when I get a “real” job after this – I can barely get out of bed before 8 right now!

Anyway, I’m back to the village life. My 3 weeks in Johannesburg were nice but I knew that it was time to come back. I also knew that when I came back I would have to face all those emotions that I stuffed in the back because I was too busy being surrounded by people and having free all access internet at my fingertips. And those emotions came clawing out and I spent last Friday night seriously contemplating my place here. But of course it was an emotional hurricane and I realized the next day that I just needed to let it all out and then think about things logically and from a clear headed perspective. I’m not going anywhere but am glad that I let myself go like that. It was not my prettiest moment but not every day can be.

Bottom line is I am doing fine. I just wanted y’all to know because I know it’s been a couple weeks since I last posted a blog. Life is moving on and I am getting back to a sort of routine. There is much more to say but I really should do some work first.