Wednesday, March 17, 2010

a new kind of crush

For the last few months, I've been agonizing over my phone. I stare it for minutes at a time, willing it to ring. It's always in my pocket or within my line of sight so I can jump the moment it makes a sound. I'm anxious, hopeful, dreaming about what the future will look like once I get that call. A few sporadic emails keep me hooked and string me along, therefore I'm unable to just forget about the whole thing and put it behind me. The last time I was like this was in college, waiting for my crush to call. The boy always said he would call me later and no matter how often I heard that line, I always believed he would actually call later. I would do the same thing and stare at my phone, praying that he would wise up and figure out that I was amazing and not worth passing up. The situation I'm in right now is almost exactly the same. Only now I'm married and live with my crush so the man I'm hoping will call is actually a potential employer.

And just like with my crush of long ago, I daydream about what the future will look like, how perfectly suited for the position I am, how crazy they would be not to realize my potential, dedication, work ethic and hire me this instant. In this situation it's of course a bit different, the decision isn't just contingent on one man's feelings, it requires coordination of many people, including a home office in Paris and straightening out government relationships, etc. So I'm being patient. I haven't put everything else on hold in the meantime, I've kept the job search going, met with people but really, deep down in my heart, I'm hoping that this one opportunity comes through. I dream about how much work the position requires and how I would fit perfectly behind the desk and computer, organizing, multitasking and helping this organization to start up and thrive. I belong there, I just know it.

But today, the waiting game continues and I try to shove the feelings to the back of my mind so as not to completely consume my ambition so I can continue emailing and making contacts.

Of course with my phone right next to my computer, in my direct line of sight.

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