back to reality

This whole job search is taking longer than I ever anticipated. It's been almost a year and a half since I've had full time work (yes, I consider my 2 years in PC as full time even if I wasn't in an office every day). I did do some consulting while we were living in Ixopo but it did not keep me occupied 40 hours a week. And last year I did have a wedding to plan to help occupy my time. This time around it's different since there are no consulting jobs (yet) and no more wedding to plan. I read. A LOT. I've read 6 books in the month that we've been back. I had a friend remind me this weekend that I should enjoy it while I can. It's good advice and I love that I get to read so much but I've been programmed since I first stepped foot inside the door of my pre school that I should be working. And I'm an ambitious person, usually, so there will always be a part of me that feels just slightly guilty for not working or at least making more of an effort to find work.

I'm still holding out for the French NGO job (there has been good noise about it but it's taking longer than they anticipated to get the project up and running - no time frame has been given to me) but I can't just sit around waiting for it, so it's become apparent that I have to take the initiative and get my name out there. This is the challenging part, it is not easy to walk into an office, stick out my hand and proceed to sell myself as a the best employee they didn't even know they needed. It's scary and I'm digging my heels in because it's just not on the top of my list of things that I want to spend my day doing. Rickey, my brother was encouraging and said it's a character builder. True but I can't imagine that anyone loves to continuously put themselves in such awkward situations.

I had a meeting last week to discuss some consulting opportunities but that won't happen until April at the earliest. However, that meeting made me feel productive like I wasn't just a bum sitting on my tush all week. Friday I had an interview for a receptionist position and that was encouraging but I do not actually want to be a receptionist. It would be a job to fill my days and have another income so I can buy things like the pretty pinafore that I saw last week but couldn't buy without asking for permission. No woman wants to ask for permission to buy clothes! This is not a reflection on Jason, rather on me and my own guilt complex. I can't go out and spend money on things like this when I know that I'm not contributing financially. So this should be a motivator because it was purple and pretty and I really want it and I want the freedom to know that I can buy little treats here and there, not just for me but for Jason too. And to some extent it is a motivator but the next step requires me to take the initiative, cold call people, ask for help and stick my neck out on the line a little bit. Yikes.